a few things. Have you seen these advertisements? Grr. I’m currently writing a paper on them, wherein I analyze them for various public-speaking related jargon-y ideas. Bonus: I get to say “boobs” and “butt” a total of 16 throughout the paper. That’s a first.
My new favorite person to follow on Twitter is Fake AP Stylebook. At four posts a day with gems like these, the hilarity never ends:
Instead of “economic downturn,” try financial melancholy, moneystorm, global bummer, The End Times.
Contrary to expected grammatical correctness, “drunkenness” is actually spelled “druhnjkwennessd ohamygods ims o w awssted.”
“Stupider” and “Stupidest” are not words, but can be used when describing Internet message board comments.
All terms referring to Batman should be capitalized: Dark Knight, Caped Crusader, Our Lord and Savior, etc.
Spell out military units. Ex: Fifth Army, Second Puppy Extermination Batallion, Seventy-First Poon Hunters
According to the Seussionary, “sneaked” comes before “snuck” comes before “snocked,” “snizzled” and “snorked.”
Should you find yourself interviewing an infinite number of monkeys, relax. Eventually they’ll write the article for you.
A cornucopia is a horn-shaped basket filled with food such as fresh corn and wild ucopias.
Use the term “free-range turducken” only if the turkey has eaten both the duck and the chicken.
Thirdly, I have to relate this story. Tonight, my new beautiful and hilarious friend Margot, who I hope is not reading this right now and growing alarmed at the rapidity with which this story made it to the internet, so thoughtfully stopped by to drop off this BEAUTIFUL HARVEST or persimmons (if you haven’t had them YOU ARE MISSING OUT) and lemons from her Mother’s orchard:
eat the rainbow!
For my French class, I have to go to these “conversation groups”, which are basically 7 or 8 people sitting at a table for an hour speaking in french about what they did last weekend. There is a leader, usually someone who is a french grad student, and he or she is there to direct convo, correct conjugations, etc. Our leader just happens to live across the street from my bookstore. I see her frequently while out and about, and she’s always oddly curt with me. Tonight I learned why.
When you’re trying to struggle through something in french to tell a story, she has an annoying tendency to cut you off and say it for you. Well, evidently, when I was trying to explain that I’m married and Alan used to be in the Army, she must have tried to say it for me, and I didn’t realize it wasn’t accurate BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING SPEAK FRENCH.
Well, long-and-short is, she thought he was still serving. And at that, overseas. Evidently, she saw me walking down the street the other day arm-in-arm with Alan, and, naturally, assumed I was having an affair.
So, what did she do? She ASKED MARGOT. Margot confirmed that Alan is, in fact, home and that I am, MOST LIKELY, having sex with only him. SO APPROPRIATE, FRENCH TUTOR. Really.
And THEN, as if that’s not werido enough, she told Margot that she can SEE ME WORKING AT THE COUNTER, from her apartment window. WHAT?? Freaked out, you guys, frlz.
And lastly, JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFFJEFFJEFFJEFF.
Plane gets in Friday at 12:20, I plan to be blitzed by 3 p.m. Why so late, you ask? Because I have class until 2:30.
I would buy those boobs… I mean shoes.
Arm in arm? It must have been someone else. You never take my arm.
You gotta admit, those are great boobs.
You know, I actually don’t find those ads remotely attractive. I’ve never liked close-ups of body parts. If I can’t see a person’s face, it makes it less… well, human to me. And, that is what is fucked up about those ads. What is the purpose of cutting out the model’s face? Is it some misguided attempt to let women “put themselves in the ad”? I dunno…
That’s more or less what said in the paper, only I stretched it over 5 pages. So I guess it’s mostly less. I didn’t mean that the boobs were attractive in any way, I just meant they’re great boobs. I’d kill for a rack like that. But my reaction to women’s bodies tends to always be positive, because being positive about other women makes me feel good about myself.
Shame we didn’t hang out more when we saw each other all the time, I think we’d have been good friends. At least we’d have had a lot to talk about.
Yeah, of course it’s a great set. And, I knew what you meant. And, I totally see your point about being positive about other women. But, I want to see her face! Haha.
Amy, that’s really sweet. Makes me feel good, and I agree that we’d be good friends. I really did enjoy talking to you at Ian’s wedding. Alan seems like such a great guy too. I’m sure I’ll see SF at least once in my life, so if you’re still there we’ll get together.
Great guy!? Doh. Thats not the internet persona I was going for.