Ten Weird Things About Long Island in No Particular Order:
- Vanity plates. For every conceivable identity/belief/idea. Every third car has one. They’re fuckin’ stupid. (Although this reminds me of the best vanity plate I ever saw, which was in Alaska: FnFreezn)
- Bagels are ubiquitous, but nobody talks about them. It’s just accepted. You eat them (and pronounce it ‘beggel’, with your cawfee), usually daily. The only person you discuss eating bagels with is the person behind the counter asking you which kind you want. And even though there is a bagel store in EVERY (and I mean every) strip mall, you always have to wait in line. It’s almost as if, at any given time, exactly 1/3 of the population of long island is eating a bagel. Bagels everywhere else are the size of hockey pucks – usually they are shiny and tasteless and untoasted. Bagels here not only come in about 268 different favors, but each is more delicious than the last, and they’re soft and roughly the size of inner tubes. (2a is that for no discernible reason I drink easily 6 times as much coffee here as I do any place else. All day long I suck it down. And it has no effect on me whatsoever. I can drink 24 oz of the stuff and immediately take a nap, whereas at home [weird that I just called Louisiana home without thinking], if I have more than 6oz or so, my hands start trembling. I have no explanation for this.)
- Seagulls. Somehow, you don’t realize that everywhere you go, giant white birds are screeching and dive-bombing you until you leave for a while and come back. I stepped out of my car in the supermarket parking lot and actually jumped the first time one shrieked at me.
- All the boys at the bar look like Sonic the Hedgehog wearing a striped polo. And they don’t hit on you or try to buy you a drink or talk to you, they just shout ambiguous drunk things at you from as far away as possible to still be within earshot.
- You don’t discuss how long it takes to get places in miles, you discuss it in time. And 90% of the places you will ever go while you’re here are ‘20 minutes away’.
- Public transportation doesn’t exist. You might see the occasional bus driving around, but it’s just for show. We have to seem green-conscious, because we’re known as liberals, but really, we don’t give a shit. If you don’t have a car, you better have a lot of friends who are willing to drive you, or you’re not going. The only real public transportation is The Train that goes to and from The City, and if you can’t get a ride to the train station, you’re shit outa luck.
- Everyone here hates country music. They all say, “I like everything, but I hate country.” When you ask them why, they say “it sucks”.
- Girls seem to think that so long as you have an expensive bag and lots of makeup, you’re dressed up. I have seen so many girls wearing sweatpants and Uggs at the bar, but with perfect fake nails, a perfect fake tan, six layers of foundation on their faces, with some crazy $1500 designer bag. Huh??
- I know Long Island/New York drivers are known to be terrible, but the one thing that makes me absolutely bats is the following distance thing. If there is more than 1/2 a car length between you and the car in front of you, someone is going to fill it. And probably within a tenth of a second from when that space opens up.
- Everyone hates New Jersey. And with a fiery passion. Your best friend could live there, but if someone mentions Jersey in your presence, you are required to spit at the ground with disgust. If you don’t, you are beaten to within an inch of your life with Yankee hats. It takes a while, but you learn your lesson. Why? Because Jersey is a buffer between us and the rest of the country, and it’s a terrible place. This means that either A) you hate Jersey because you routinely have to drive through it to get everywhere else, or B) everyone else in the country has a terrible impression of Long Island because they drove through Jersey and wanted to vomit, and had such a foul taste in their mouths by the time they got here that not even the best pizza in the whole country (fuck you Chicago) can cleanse their collective palettes.
It’s good to be back. I can’t wait to leave. We leave Saturday morning, really early. And from what I understand, there is a delicious red-headed surprise waiting for me in Leesville. 2009 IS ALREADY SPECTACULAR.
Happy New Year! I saw Jeff on New Year’s Eve. We hung out. It was fun. (Happy?)
BFF.
GinaCutillo.com
married life.
Yes!
1. sonic comment – so true.
2. you really made me want to eat a bagel. thanks. jerk.
3. i miss you.
4. i love your curls. i want them.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Jersey is SOOOO not that bad people!! And no Jeff, I still don’t know any girls with big hair and jean jackets.
Delicious red headed surprise? Did somebody make us cupcakes?
I do think this has been both the fastest and most fun leave yet. Looks like staying busy is the way to go.
I’ll have to write a thing like this for Phoenix. Anyway, someone at work here forgot where I said I was from, and said New Jersey. I was so insulted. “Jersey? That place smells! And is ugly! OMG, and Bon Jovi?! C’mon.” Heehee. Now one of my coworkers always says “Rhode Island” instead of Long Island just to get under my skin. It works…
Hating country music is clearly a North vs South thing. For me it always represented the South and every negative connotation with that. But, that was when I was a teenager. I still don’t like the vast majority of it, but I realize it’s a cultural thing, not that it “sucks”. And, if people want to start telling me they hate Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson, then can eff off.
One thing I still hate about Long Island is the drivers. Now that I moved away, when I go back I instantly notice how much more stressed I feel driving on Long Island. You get tailgaters here sometimes, but a lot of them quickly just go around you.
There’s plenty of vanity plates here too. With added religiousness.
I never cared much for bagels…
I’d like to add an 11th. You can’t talk to people at bars! They sneer at you. Anywhere else, I can talk to any random person at any bar, and they’re thrilled to meet me. We even met people at the crazy Louisiana coke/biker bar with the demon-head sake. wtf?
Nichole – aww, miss you too, sweets. I tried to make it to Philly, but I had the aminals, and it just never happened.
Hubs – Agree.
Sean – I dunno man, honey whole wheat bagels with veggie cream cheese are really high on my best foods ever list.
And, I know vanity plates exist everywhere, but I feel like there are SO many more here. Oh, and I <3 Willie Nelson.
Until you leave, you have no idea how spoiled you are that there are roads that travel in a straight line, many of them in fact, from one place to another. If one of the roads has traffic you have a number of other choices to get to your chosen destination.
I miss nothing more than the ability to drive 30 miles (stony brook to riverhead) and actually have it take only 30 min, and not have to go through any tolls to get there.
Also yes, Jersey sucks.
true. i second that. Remember that paper I had to write on Robert Moses? hahaha
Also, you can describe most towns as “two towns over”. Except Mineola or Riverhead, which automatically becomes “20 minutes away.”
Your list is fantastic. I’m making the boyfriend read it so he understands where I come from. Also, my intense hatred for Jersey.
Does anything suck more than the New Jersey Turnpike? And Newark.
Anyway, I also don’t like cream cheese. I think that puts me close to a revocation of my Long Islander cred.
Phoenix roads are set up like a grid, so in that respect Phoenix is super easy to get around compared to Long Island. Phoenix, something is at 51st and Bell. Long Island it’s “Take this road to this road, take this to this exit, then go on this road to the 2nd light, make a right, blah blah blah.”
Sean, nothing sucks more than the Turnpike. Especially the Car/Truck lane merging.
[...] in the universe watches The Daily Show, but in case you missed it last night, watch this clip. As you might recall, I’m from Long Island. UGH. Oh, and that comment about “10 miles from Manhattan or 3.5 [...]
[...] // In keeping with last year’s list of things about Long Island, here, for your amusement (and discussion), are a bunch of random [...]